If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.