I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.