I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.