you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH