the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
