I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
