listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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