Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
