I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
