It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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