we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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