I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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