So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
