I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
