Your face is a jimmy john
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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