my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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