we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Watching her eat just hurts me
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
