I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
