'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
