When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
