I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
