this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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