if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
