I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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