I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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