eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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