I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
