Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
