i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
