Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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