So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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