Plan B is the new Plan A
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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