I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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