i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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