Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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