please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
