I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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