i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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