i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
