and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
