he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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