if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i came on her dog
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
