Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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