Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
