Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
