Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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