I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
