Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
