if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
