no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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