I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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