i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
