CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
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If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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