if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
