Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
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Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
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It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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