also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I currently don't understand fingers.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
