Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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