When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
